I was looking for years to meet that special someone I can truly connect with. Someone who gets me. Someone who not only has a zest for life, but also shares the same values. Someone I don't have to doubt, question or second guess. Someone who may not have gone through a similar journey as I have, but understands me well enough to appreciate my ongoing efforts to become the loving man and father I'm capable of being. Someone who can communicate with me with a simple look.
In recent years, I was always drawn to women with a similar past as mine; difficult childhood, struggles with mental health and a somewhat broken family relationship. As a result, those relationships were always missing an emotional connection that I have longed for in my adult life. Intimacy with them was non-existent and I often felt anxiety in my body whenever I spent time with them (warning signs that something wasn't right). There was a push-and-pull feeling where I'm drawn in, then pushed away, leaving me with doubt in myself. Yet I held onto those relationships, feeding into my own anxious attachment style.
Facing our fears is perhaps one of the most terrifying experiences a guy can have. Why is it so painful and daunting to look deep into that abyss? Is it because we're afraid we'll discover things about ourselves that we'll reject? It's painful enough if the World rejects you, so why would I delve deeper into myself and run the risk of rejecting myself? Why would I walk straight into a burning house?