I've always carried a sense of creativity ever since I was a kid. I used to love writing short stories in elementary school for the class to read out loud. Throughout the rest of my school years, Art class was by far my favorite outlet, followed by Creative Writing to release my sense of quirkiness and ambitious imagination. Fast forward to adulthood and I chose the road more travelled, becoming a scientist, or more precisely a Food Developer. It's an enriching career filled with rewarding experiences, learning the science and development behind food manufacturing that most of us take for granted. But, after long days of repeated trials, I go home and relinquish myself of the title, "certified Foodie", devouring my microwaved dinner with great ease. Then, as the evening wears on, I gladly turn to my true passion; learning something more about who I am. The artist in me. The creator. The writer. The True me.
Facing our fears is perhaps one of the most terrifying experiences a guy can have. Why is it so painful and daunting to look deep into that abyss? Is it because we're afraid we'll discover things about ourselves that we'll reject? It's painful enough if the World rejects you, so why would I delve deeper into myself and run the risk of rejecting myself? Why would I walk straight into a burning house?
I've never been a "handyman" and it still puzzles me especially in this day and age, we still call it a handy "man". Let's just say, I'm not very good when it comes to fixing or building things at home. When it comes to being a Man, what's more important to me has been listening, sharing thoughts, being compassionate, being encouraging, sharing my feelings and challenging others to think deeply for themselves. That's been more of my scene ever since I could remember as a kid, but I've only finally come to embrace in the last 5 years.
Does love mean accepting the person as they are? If that's true, we wouldn't be fussing at them to turn off that gawd awful TV show the Bachlorette, would we? Yet, we still love them regardless of their different interests. Thus my perspective's changed. You can still love someone, and not accept them entirely. So, my quest continued to define what love means for me. Here's what I came up with and jotted down...
I recently did some reading about different forms of attachment styles in relationships. I'm fascinated to learn more about myself as part of my ongoing personal development journey. Basically, what I've learned is that there are 2 attachment styles: Secure and Insecure. I dug deeper to determine what my attachment style has been in past relationships, determined not to repeat the same pattern in my current relationship with Annie. Based on a checklist of the behaviors, I fell into the Anxious Attachment Style.
I just got back from my dream trip to Iceland, and let me tell you, I had the most incredible time there with friends Randy and Rene. I could go on and on about the vast, beautiful and ever changing terrain or the delish food we had (fermented shark, puffin, lots of lamb), or maybe ramble on about the new friendships we made but no amount of words can capture how important this trip was for me and how I feel today
What happens when you feel stuck? I used to have every excuse in the book for my unhappiness. It was always someone else's fault, or how shitty my upbringing was. I wasn't loved enough, or no one gave me what I needed. My negative attitude led me to a path of depression, anxiety and anger, never able to sustain a healthy relationship with anyone because I would constantly look externally for validation. So that's how I lived my life for decades. I was holding everyone else accountable for my misfortunes, when the answers all came from within.