Over the years, I’ve done a truckload of work on myself, from professional therapy, to self help books, YouTube videos, seminars, classes, meditation, sound healing, journaling and the list goes on. Arming myself with all these exceptional tools gives me a fighting chance at a healthier, happier future.
They say we get about 6000 thoughts a day. If I had a way of counting my thoughts, I’d wager I far exceed that. I get a lot of thoughts in my head from the moment I wake up sometimes. These thoughts are running fast sometimes and some are more powerful than others. When I dissect my thoughts (which I often do), the underlying theme of some of them is based on fear: I’m afraid that I’m not good enough, not lovable enough or not worthy of anything good. My girlfriend even sometimes says to me, Jason don’t think so much!
In my world and the world of trauma survivors, thinking too much is like how a musician naturally hears melodies through simple prose. We simply can’t help it. All that’s transpired in my childhood from the bullying, to the beatings, to the discrimination can not be explained to just anybody. No one can fully understand the impact of my past, even other trauma survivors. We each have our own experiences, and we each have our own sense of resilience. For me, I’m doing everything possible to reshape my negative self talk. I AM aware of my thoughts, and I AM NOT my thoughts, is what I have to remind myself often. What I hadn’t realized was this thing called the ego, or as Eckhart Tolle refers to as the pain body.
Understanding my pain body gives me an even stronger chance at the greatest love of all, which is for myself. I’m choosing to end my relationship with my pain body. It is there and it does not serve me any purpose in my relationships. It may always be inside of me until I die, but with a stronger skill of thought awareness, I can ground myself so the pain body does not consume me.
Here’s what I do:
Eckhart Tolle sums up in his enlightening book the Power of Now to accept and acknowledge the pain body whenever we have negative thoughts about ourselves. Once we have that awareness, we need to focus on the feeling, NOT the thoughts. We need to stop thinking at that moment and notice the feelings. Once we raise consciousness to the pain body’s existence and its affect on us, it eventually subsides. We shine a spotlight on it (like light to a vampire) and as we pay attention to the feeling of the pain body (for me it is usually heavy around my temple), we notice the feeling of the pain body subsiding. This takes about 3-5 minutes for me, but it also depends on how powerful the feelings are. I notice the energy from the pain body dissipating and replaced my a sense of calm, serenity and presence. Tolle calls this the Power of Now.
A lot of our wounds run deep and we are all affected by our past experiences to some extent. It shapes how we think about ourselves and we need to forgive ourselves for having those negative thoughts about us. As I said, our thoughts don’t dictate who we are and we don’t have to believe in them, especially if they’re coming from the pain body.
If I’m ever going to have a happy, healthier life with my loved ones, I need to end the relationship with my pain body and operate from a place of self-love and authentic belief that I am worthy. I AM worthy, I AM lovable and I AM good enough.