After my first date with D, I knew there was something unique about how we connected. We’ve been texting for over a week before we met in person and in hindsight this certainly worked to our advantage. We communicated almost daily through text, but in ways that helped us get to know each other better before meeting in person. I remember saying to myself how communicating with her via text felt very simple and natural. In some ways, it felt like she was already a friend of mine for years.
Our first date in person was on a beautiful Wednesday afternoon along the Quay. What I initially intended was to go for a walk, but we quickly decided to simply sit down on the patio for drinks at the restaurant we were standing in front of. After an hour into our date, drinks became a meal and we continued chatting for another couple of hours. I sat there not only mesmerized by how physically attractive D was, but intrigued by her life and how uniquely different it was from my own. In recent years, I was always drawn to women with a similar past as mine; difficult childhood, struggles with mental health and a somewhat broken family relationship. As a result, those relationships were always missing an emotional connection that I have longed for. Intimacy with them was non-existent and I often felt anxiety in my body whenever I spent time with them (warning signs that something wasn’t right). There was a push-and-pull feeling where I’m drawn in, then pushed away, leaving me with doubt in myself. Yet I held onto those relationships, feeding into my own anxious attachment style. Cognitively, I knew it wasn’t healthy for me, but as someone who doesn’t like giving up, I made the most of my time with them until the relationships died a slow death and served their time. However, I always managed to learn something more about myself from those experiences allowing me to grow as an individual.
As I learned more about D, it was an instant realization that something in me had shifted. My attraction to deprivation was no longer there because I was filled with an attraction for inspiration. There was something warm, safe and secure with D. Yet, there was something wildly exciting, new and refreshing at the same time.
After our date ended, on my drive home, I kept saying to myself, I want to see her again. The work that I’ve done over the years was finally paying off. Something in me shifted subconsciously and I found myself very attracted to a very secure woman.
I feel like a true modern man being with her
- Not only do I feel a sense of inspiration being with D (because she encourages the pursuit of my goals), but she sometimes even takes interest to do them with me (ie cooking lessons, travel and learning to become more present).
- As mentioned in a previous blog, finding a partner who accepts and understands me has been challenging. It’s either been one or the other and though there’s been many great moments in those relationships that I’m forever grateful for, being both accepted and understood for my past opens a new experience for me. I’ve never felt this liberated before and it feels like a big weight has been lifted.
- Early on, D has somehow managed to make it easy for me to be my true self and express my emotions freely. I’m able to share my feelings of joy, sadness, vulnerability and fears with her without feeling judged. She’s never seen my emotions as a weakness whereas in relationships past, I needed to suppress a lot of my feelings because it wasn’t perceived as manly.
I still need to do a check in on my Self-Love meter
- It’s crucial to me that I continue to do the work with my inner child because I never want to go down that path of my former self, fueled by self-doubt and insecurities. Inner child meditations, reading and journaling are a few tools I continue to do. Practicing gratitude and abundance thinking also allows me to welcome things as they are, instead of trying to control the outcomes.
- Knowing that my strengths revolve around my emotional capabilities, I need to continue to welcome that part of me which I previously rejected. Forgiving myself of past mistakes and for neglecting my honest self is also crucial to filling my self-love meter. It’s not possible for me to love someone else, if I’m unable to love myself first and that was a piece I never grasped in my past. In addition, knowing that I’m deserving and worthy of a healthy relationship puts me in better position for something more lasting and meaningful.
- Spending quality time with my son, watching and playing basketball together is one of my favorite pastimes that I must continue to do. My relationship with D emphasizes how important it is to be involved with our respective kids because that’s who we are as well. One of D’s most attractive qualities is seeing her around her kids. I find it very sexy and beautiful that she’s a loving and involved mom to her kids and this makes her an even more complete person.
- I met D’s kids several weeks ago and in them, I was able to see so much of D. I’m compelled to want to be with her kids and to get to know them more. I’m drawn to the idea that I can someday be a healthy part of their lives as well which is why I’m meeting with my counsellor to learn how I can do this. I’m also excited to learn how to integrate my son and work towards a balanced family life together.
- Amid all this, D and I encourage each other to maintain a healthy social life outside of each other. It’s nice to know that she has a healthy connection with her peers and colleagues, as do I. Pursuing our own interests and supporting each other’s goals and career endeavours is also something I feel we’re giving each other. Though I can’t wait to spend my next breathing moment together with D, I also know how healthy it is for the relationship to balance it off with our sense of individuality.