I sometimes get random thoughts beyond the scope of what I want to have for dinner, or what my plans are going to be for the weekend. What of my many interests includes deeper conversations on life. Today, my random thought was on defining love. That word has eluded me in past relationships, maybe because I’ve never been truly capable of loving someone else, since I was in a place of lacking. I asked a couple of my guy friends about their definition of love and most of them came up with the generic response that love means enjoying the person for who they are and having fun with them. I needed something more than that because enjoyment is only one aspect of the bigger picture.
So, my quest to define what love means for me continued. Here’s what I came up with and jotted down in my journal:
To love someone is to support and encourage them….hmm. Not enough.
Needs more meat to the bones.
Then, I put my nose to the grindstone…
What does it mean to love someone?
- I support and align with their ambitions, goals and conscious needs.
- I align with their morals, values and friendships.
- I align with their belief system.
- I give my love unconditionally because I care for their wellbeing. Love is not based on a repayment program.
- I am comfortable and secure with myself. I can’t love someone else, unless I’m able to love myself first.
- I address and release past fears, allowing myself to be loved by others and realize I AM worthy of it. I contribute to the growth, fire and dynamic of the relationship by looking within.
- I understand and accept their mannerisms, idiosyncrasies and thought process.
- I respect their right to make their own decisions (though I may not agree with them) and I value their opinions. I respect their boundaries.
- And lastly, the BIG one, I respect them as an individual, one who is free and liberated from my subconscious needs.
The last one was the big aha moment for me. You’ve all heard the saying, if you love someone, set them free. I never really latched onto that saying because I felt it needed more. To love someone, means to allow them to retain their identity, allow them to grow as a whole being, and to support them in their journey. Loving someone in order to fill a subconscious black hole left in your life, isn’t love. That’s codependency.
Jason Lee, Author of Living with the Cat, the 9 Biggest Reasons Why Your Life Sucks!